Twisted
by Ruby
Summary: The characters try to stop an author from writing an unconventional HP romance, and several *interesting* pairings arise. (Inspired by Couple Lists by Lei and CobraGirl)


  
_The-Long-Yet-Probably-Important-Author's-Note:   
First of all, I apologise. I have sick and twisted mind. Second of all, this is meant to be *funny*. Not necessarily meaning *you*'d find it funny, but some people do.   
*Don't* tell me I'm sick or gross and so and so don't belong together. *I know that*. And I know pretty much everyone is waaaay OOC. That's the point!   
Third, you should know that this is rated R for a reason. There are sexual allusions and adult humor. It's not very graphic, but things that are inappropriate for anyone who hasn't laughed through sex-ed class are mentioned. It's not rated NC-17 simply because I don't think it should be. I'm not 17 and I wrote this. My friends aren't 17 and they laughed their asses off. However, I should give fair warning that it is not a good idea to read this in front of your parents (and most certainatly not at school!), and *don't* show it to the people who want to ban Harry Potter...   
::cough:: For anyone who's read any of my other stuff, this is *nothing* like that. This is my first and only attempt at humor writing. Also, there are quite a few inside jokes (especially at the end) that only people who have experienced the #Animorphs HP chats would understand._

-/|\-

For the wacky and wonderful people at #Animorphs, my inspiration for all things dirty, disturbing, and otherwise.   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Twisted!   
(Sick, sick stories)

-/|\-

Ron moaned with pleasure a Harry's hands ran down his back. His mouth found Harry's and—   
  
"NOOOOOOO!!!" Ron rips the paper out of the author's hands. "I am not gay!"   
"And neither am I!" Harry adds indignantly.   
The author blinks. "But they're so many stories with you two, I thought..."   
Ron groans. "Oh, don't tell me you read that fan story crap!"   
"It's fanfiction." The author corrects.   
"You know, there _is_ a reason fan is short for fanatic." Harry points out.   
The author rolls her eyes. "I don't care. I'm writing this fic!"   
"Do you _have_ to make us _gay_?" Ron sputters.   
The author looks uncertain. "Well, I didn't really think about other pairings..."   
With a rather loud 'poof', quite a bit of smoke, and a great deal of coughing, You-Know-Who appears.   
"Ahhhh!!!" Ron screams. "It's You-Know-Who!"   
"Voldemort!" Harry screams. "Mommy!"   
The author jumps up and shakes his hand. "Voldy! Oh, man, meeting you have been my lifelong dream! Will you marry me?"   
You-Know-Who blinks. "Er, I'm not Voldemort, I'm the other You-Know-Who, and no, I will not marry you."   
The author pouts.   
Harry and Ron stop screaming. "Who are you then?"   
"You may call me The-Other-You-Know-Who."   
Ron and Harry look at each other and nod.   
"Okay, then what are you doing here?"   
"I'm here to help you write this fic!" TOYKW pushes the author out of her chair and takes over the fic. "Now, let's try a different pairing..." 

-/|\-

"Ouch!" Hermione grumbled. "Whoever's elbow that is, _get_ out of there!"   
"Elbow?" Ron blinked. "That's my foot..."   
"What the hell is your foot doing up my—" Hermione's eyes got very big. "Whoa, _Harry_!"   
Harry smirked. "I love to here you yell my name like that."   
"Hey, share the wealth!"   
"You're complaining, Ron?" Hermione grumbled. "At least _you_ get to on the bottom. Why do I always have to be in the middle?"—   
  
"_WHAT_???" Hermione bursts into the room. "What are you writing?"   
TOYKW blinks. "A fic. A smut fic, to be precise."   
Harry arches his eyebrows. "That's not very smutty. That's not even NC-17! I mean, _really_, you should see some of the things—"   
Everyone looks at Harry.   
"Er..."   
"You read that stuff, Harry???"   
"Er..."   
Hermione is still glaring at TOYKW. "What. Was. That."   
"That was you, Ron, and Harry."   
"I know _that_! What were we doing?"   
"You were, well," TOYKW lowers his voice, "having sex."   
"But, but..." Hermione blinks. "The three of us?"   
"Yeah. A threesome."   
Pause.   
"_A THREESOME_???" All three scream at the same time.   
"You don't like threesomes?"   
"NO!"   
"Oh. Okay." 

-/|\-

"Whoa, hey, watch where you stick your leg, Harry, you're squishing my package!" Seamus protested.   
"Oops..." Harry shifted. "That better?"   
"Much."   
"Whoa!" Dean shouted. "Whoever's hand that is _don't move_!"   
Everyone froze.   
"I think that's me." Lavender wiggled her fingers.   
"Nope." George said. "Your hand happens to be in a much better place."   
Lavender giggled.   
"Oh, it must be me then." Parvati said.   
"Whoa, Herm, you sure are tight..." Fred muttered.   
"Sorry...I've been out of practice."   
"Hey! Who just hit me in the head?" Ron demanded. "And what's this sticky stuff in my hair?"   
"Sorry, Ron, that'd be me."   
"Geez, Neville, watch where you point that thing..." Lee said.   
"Sorry, it's my first time, you know..."   
"Maybe we should turn on the lights..." Ginny suggested.   
"What's the point of having a orgy with the light on?"—   
  
"ORGY???" Harry screams.   
"And what _was_ that stuff in my hair?"   
Hermione blushes and whispers into his ear.   
"Ewwwww!" Ron gags.   
"You are sick!" Neville shouts, appearing.   
"We're underage, for Merlin's sake!" 

-/|\-

"You know I hate swallowing, Sirius." Lily grumbled.   
"Everyone does." Sirius sniffed.   
"So don't ask them to swallow then, Sirius." Remus suggested, taking a pause from James.   
"But, but...that's the best part!"   
"I don't mind, swallowing." Peter shrugged...   
  
Sirius gags. "That's sick! Peter? Me and that sniveling little—"   
"Watch your language, Padfoot."   
"Honestly, Sirius and Lily is enough of a stretched, but _that_..." Lupin blanches.   
"Yeah!" James agrees. "Geez, keep it down to two people at a time!" 

-/|\-

Hermione moaned with pleasure. Her back arched off the stones as ecstasy consumed her. She shuddered with pleasure as her lover kissed a line down her neck. "Oh, Severus—"   
  
Hermione screams in horror and faints.   
"NO STUDENT-TEACHER PAIRINGS!" 

-/|\-

Sirius magicked his pants off and threw them into the corner. "Come here, you..."   
She giggled and conjured up a bed.   
"Why, Minerva, you little flirt—"   
  
"WHAT IS GOING ON?" Professor McGonagall runs in. "Sirius Black and me..."   
TOYKW smirks. "You didn't say I couldn't... They're not student-teacher anymore..."   
"Fine! From now on, keep the ages close!" 

-/|\-

Ginny snogged Ron. "My, you're sexy..."   
  
"NO INCEST!"   
TOYKW fumes. "But then what do I have left?"   
Everyone shrugs.   
"I know! Draco! You guys don't have anything against me using him, right?"   
Everyone shakes their heads.   
"Draco it is. Draco and..." 

-/|\-

Voldemort slowly removed his robes...   
  
"AHHHHHH!!!" Draco Malfoy bursts into the room.   
Everyone else laughs.   
"Isn't there a rule against age differences?" He demands.   
"Voldemort doesn't count. He's immortal now."   
"Well then no fics with Voldemort!"   
"Damnit!" 

-/|\-

Lucius looked at Dobby. "Now, Dobby, all you have to do is—"   
  
Lucius points his wand at TOYKW. "One. More. Word. And. You. Die."   
"Eep!"   
Everyone glares at TOYKW.   
"Er...what do I do _now_?" TOYKW asks. "You've taken away all my creative pairings."   
"How about something conventional?" Harry suggests.   
"But everyone's already done those!"   
"So, do them again."   
"They're cliché!"   
"We don't care!"   
"Fine! Harry and Hermione or Ron and Hermione."   
Blink.   
"Harry and Hermione." Harry says.   
"Ron and Hermione." Ron says at the same time.   
"_No one_ and Hermione!" Hermione shouts.   
"But..."   
"Hermione belongs with Harry!"   
"Says who?"   
"Lori! The greatest fanfic writer of all time!"   
"Well, JKR says Hermione belongs with Ron!"  
"No she doesn't! It just says Ron likes Hermione!"   
"She's with Harry!" Sirius shouts, supporting his godson.   
"Ron!" Cho says. "Harry's mine!"   
"Herm-own-ninny loves me!" Krum interrupts.   
"No! Me!" Draco shouts.   
"Hermione doesn't like any of you!" Hermione screams.   
"Yes you do." Lupin says, smirking. "You like all of them."   
"I am not a freaking slut!"   
"Shut up! All of you!" TOYKW shouts. "I'm in charge here and I say who's who!"   
Everyone stops and blinks.   
"Hermione, you're a slut."   
"Ron, you're gay."   
"Harry, you're pathetic."   
"Voldemort, Lucius, Draco, you're all _one_ boggart."   
"Sirius, you're sleeping with McGonagall."   
"McGonagall, you're pregnant, and you don't know if it's Ron's or Sirius's."   
"Ron, you have to give Snape a sponge bath."   
TOYKW stops.   
Everyone screams in terror.   
Lupin sighs in relief. "I'm been spared!" He murmurs.   
"Oh, right, forgot that. Lupin, you're female."   
"NOOOOOOO!!!"   
All the characters scream and run away.   
TOYKW laughs. "I have done what I set out to do. Mwhahahahaha!!!"   
The Polyjuice wears off and The-Other-You-Know-Who returns to his natural from.   
Dumbledore smiles and Apparates away.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
